Archive for June, 2007

True North

Everyone has an internal compass – probably many internal compasses (that is the correct plural term right, not compi?!) for morals, attitude, integrity, and the like.

The stroke spun my compasses (that just looks better than compi) out of control. Not that I have done anything wrong (a.k.a. interesting), I just was ‘off’. After the stroke, my attitude compass was pointing straight West – I was, for lack of a better term, pretty much stoned for quite a few months (I suppose this makes sense given the dead brain cell similarity with drugs…). I was happy with everyone and everything in the world. If you hit me in the mouth, I would have said ‘that’s okay, no biggie’ whereas my previous attitude would have been to deck you right back!

Then, my compass needle started to move and flipped to a strong East – I was angry about everything and at everyone. For no known reason. I am working to get my compass to move back to true North. Right now it is vascilating between North and East. I am more North by NorthEast right now and it feels a lot better than full on East. I have always been opinionated and blunt and had tamed those to the point that people could stand to be around me again. Now I have to focus on it again. I still find it very difficult to focus on those types of issues while just living. I am determined though. I want to be back to as close to me as I possibly can.

Now that I read through that, it is a pretty abstract concept but I don’t know how else to explain or phrase it – it is the image in my mind that represents my feelings the best.


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I don’t know if this is normal or even rational (maybe psychosomatic?) but I feel as though I am noticing/having more cognitive-related issues that I remember having before. Attention, memory, and confidence issues. Maybe it is because my attention and memory or just general metacognition are improving that I notice problems or gaps, could that be possible?

Maybe it is that I am becoming more aware of my surroundings and my impact on others that this is coming to light. Maybe I am just getting dumber by the day. Anything is possible, I guess.

I am having a difficult time reconciling what I am able to do, mentally. I do not have confidence in my mental abilities. Bob tries to reassure me that I am just the same as before in regard to intelligence, memory and whatnot but it is very frustrating to feel a ‘lacking’ and be told there is none where I FEEL it.

Does this go away or do I need to somehow design ways to compensate for it? Both compensate for the short term and wait for it to resolve in the long term? It is making me crazy (not that the trip to Crazyville is far, mind you).

~big sigh~

I have trouble trying to think through this and deal with other things as well. It seems as though I can only attend to one task at a time. I used to love multitasking and I was pretty good if I do say so myself!

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