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Archive for March, 2008

A lot on my mind

The *wonderful* Pilates instructor that I found here in town has had a family crisis (her mother has lukemia & the chemo has shut down some organ function) and she can no longer work with me. I will truly miss her. She learned how to work with me (no small task there) and really challenged me. The improvement I saw was small but it was improvement!!

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Bob flew in on Saturday and stayed until Tuesday morning. Although I took Monday off of work, the weather didn’t cooperate for his nice long visit. Too cold and some snow on Sunday! We got a chance to have some really long talks. We seem to communicate well when we live in separate states ;-). It was nice to connect but we discovered something that is…upsetting. By talking it through, we found out that I have not forgiven Bob nor myself for me having the stroke. I don’t forgive Bob for not listening to me when I said that I didn’t feel well the morning of, he wasn’t around when I had the TIA at the race, he didn’t believe me when I was puking in a grocery bag. I don’t forgive myself for all of the previous AND for not paying attention to the TIAs and for my body betraying me in such a way when I was so healthy.

We talked about what it means and how to forgive and we both decided to allow time for forgiveness. It isn’t as though I don’t want to forgive us, I guess it just isn’t time yet.

That really is a tougher thing to discover than it sounds. As I read it over just now, it sounds very simplistic and harsh. This was a discovery that we found calmly and we discussed thoroughly. We love each other immensely, we just need to figure out how to get beyond this.

Thankfully, Bob said that he has enough love for both of us – he has enough love for him to love me and for me to love me. Perfect because I need it!

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Reconsidering…

I have been in Central Illinois for 3.5 months. By myself. Doing work that I hadn’t planned doing with my degree. By myself. Living in an apartment above a woman who is hard of hearing and loves to watch Law & Order (guess how I know that…). By myself.

Did I mention that I feel a bit lonely? Bob & I have lived separately before – 5 years of our marriage to be exact – I don’t know why it is so difficult this time.

Actually, I’m positive that I had difficulties with it the first time. I have faint memories of it. I think that not enjoying my job makes a huge difference. I’m getting paid way too much money to be this bored. I will have to figure out a way to scrounge up something to do, I just don’t have the gumption to do that just yet. I’m still getting my legs under me (literally, figuratively – both).

I guess that I’m having difficulty finding people because I haven’t really committed to this place yet – not the job and not the area.

Bob & I agreed that we will make a decision at the 6 month mark. He has a theory that the first month of a job is the ‘honeymoon’ where the job is exciting, the people are exciting, and everything is great. Then there is the next 3 months or so where it is the worst job in the world. This is where the 6 month agreement comes in. No major decisions until I figure out if the job really isn’t for me or if I am just going through a phase.

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