Archive for December, 2010

Holiday season is here

Bob suggested awhile ago that maybe the seasons (both less sun and the holiday season) is partially responsible for what I am currently experiencing. I have no doubt that he is partially right. At the very least, it doesn’t help.

So, I found a new therapist and I think that we will work well together. She seems nurturing but cuts through the crap, which is where I thrive. Be totally honest with me while you are patting my hand and we will get along famously. I met with her 2 weeks ago and have another appointment next week. I feel like I am barely holding it together until then.

I have decided that I am emotionally constipated right now. My last surviving grandparent (maternal grandmother), who is the one who passed down my competitiveness and fire, had 2 strokes a couple of weeks ago. She was unable to talk and unable to move. For a talker and a doer, this was worse than anything she had ever experienced. You just can’t recover from strokes at 91 years of age like someone who worked their ass off at 34 years old. She refused to eat. Once that decision is made, there isn’t much time left.

So, I decided to fly to South Dakota to tell her how much she meant to me. How I truly know how awful strokes are. How I am so sorry that she had to experience them. That no one in their right mind, blamed her for her decision to end her life on her terms.

Thanks to wonderful friends who helped me get flights on very short notice (less than 5 hours), I left VA at 7 pm on Thursday, December 9, 2010. I made it to Denver at midnight where these friends picked me up from the airport and let me stay in my bedroom at their house. The next morning, I had a wonderful breakfast that was entirely made from scratch and was so tasty. After I toured their newly purchased home, 2 miles from where they now live, I got a call from Bob.

My grandmother died at 1:00 am that morning. Writing that fills my eyes with tears, but even now, I stuff those feelings down. I haven’t found the right time or context to feel this grief. I’ve never been able to control my feelings like that before. Well, any feelings except anger or frustration – those I am unable to fully control. Hence, emotionally constipated. I’ll work on it.

I was unable to tell her all that I wanted. Did she die knowing? Did she know how much she influenced my life? I really and truly hope so. When I arrived in S.D. and went to lunch with my dad, he said “this is the first day that I am without a mother”. How is that for breaking your heart?

I’m trying not to take this personally. When we found out that Bob’s grandmother wasn’t doing so well 2 months ago, we left to see her. She died before we got there.

Dark humor warning: Therefore, people would rather die than see or talk to me. If you are ill, don’t have me come out to see you, it doesn’t bode well for your life.

Our family was the perfect display of how different people handle death differently. Her oldest son delayed it. Mostly for good reason, no doubt. Her oldest daughter took all of the funeral and viewing responsibilities personally and really tried to make it as she would want it. Her youngest daughter was a little macabre in being thankful for her death. Her youngest son (my dad) seemed to be a bit lost. We all tried our best to “tell funny stories about her, even though she isn’t that funny” as she wished. Funny stories with heavy hearts.

Anyway, this has impacted me in many ways – stroke-wise, depression-wise – it has given me a different perspective to hold me over.




Happy holidays!


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