Archive for January, 2011

2011 Seems promising

Well, y’all – I’m all medicated up and feeling so much better.

For some background; I had transitioned from passive thoughts of suicide (wishing I hadn’t survived the stroke) to suicidal fantasies (driving into oncoming traffic sounds good) and I wanted to keep myself from going into suicidal ideation (actually making a plan). Then I was sidelined by my grandmother’s death. I knew that she chose to stop eating and that she was dying so I flew out to see her. I didn’t make it in time to see or talk to her.

While there, most people seemed disingenuous. Like they went through what you are supposed to go through or what TV/the movies tell us that we are supposed to do. But so much of it lacked feeling. It was really very odd. I understand that everyone handles death differently, and that is probably what I saw, I guess.

Anyway, before her wake, I was invited to a relative’s house so that we could all go together. This was for relatives only. I have an awful sweet tooth. We were talking about it since so much food was around and I mentioned that I had impulse control issues due to the damage in the basal ganglia and one person laughed at me. I said no, really, attentional issues and all that. She then said “You are so lucky that it happened to you because you understand it so well.” A quizzical look with me saying “Lucky? You think I’m lucky?” was how I responded. So, she said “Oh, should I say ‘tsk, tsk, tsk, (you know, that sucking teeth noise that connotes sarcastic pity) you pooor thing’?”

My therapist said it best “How did you not slap her?” Well, because I was focused on impulse control and I exhibited excellent impulse control the entire visit there. However, that takes an enormous amount of emotional energy and focus and it was exhausting.

In any case, we got back and the visit with relatives really put into perspective that mental health is important. So, I started anti-depressants and have a prescription for anti-anxiety, should the need arise. I am trying to level out the chemical imbalance that has really been going on for a long time.

My first dose resulted in dry heaves and fainting when I tried to stand. So we reduced the dosage by half and I’m quite happy at this level. I may try the original dose at some point, but I will happily stay at this level for now.

I finally feel like I can focus much more easily, which, of course, means I get less distracted and overwhelmed. My anxiety has decreased and I think that Bob is finding me easier to be around. I even think that it may be possible to feel happiness/giddiness/elation again. I sure hope so.

As relieved as I feel to be medicated, it was really humiliating to ask for it. The PA (physician’s assistant) and nurse questioned me to an uncomfortable extent. To have to admit to someone, face-to-face, that thoughts of suicide are floating through your mind to convince them of a need for anti-depressants is awful. It is difficult enough to just admit it and ask for help, there is no need to compound the discomfort with trying to make me act it up or beg for it. Yeesh.


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