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Archive for March, 2011

Smells and Shells

So, I decided to up the anti-depressant to the doctor-recommended dosage because I had a lot of anxiety seeping through. The main odd side-effect? I randomly smell something cloyingly sweet. Nothing sweet is around, but I smell the sweetest of smells. It’s weird, but I have no problem just dealing with it!

The awesome results are worth it by far. * No sudden irrational and ridiculous outbursts at the drop of a hat. * Bob can say any little innocuous thing and not get yelled at for it. * I can see my arm or leg do something imperfectly and I don’t feel bad about it or tell myself what a slow-recovering, lazy piece of shit I am. * We can now say “man, you/I would have reacted so strongly to that pre-AD (anti-depressant)! I’m so glad that is over.” * I am starting to get a handle on dealing with the anxiety. It isn’t perfect by far and I can still get stymied pretty easily, but I’m getting there.

My new therapist is working out pretty well. She employs hypno-therapy┬á & at nearly every session, she and I complete exercises using hypnosis. It helps that I’m easily hypnotized.

We have spent most of our time focusing on convincing me that neither the molestation nor the stroke was my fault. Boy, that sure does sound simple (& simple-minded) written like that, but it is a lot more work than it seems. The exercises are so helpful – there is no ‘discussion’, there is just her directing imagery. Very effective.

I’m really starting to realize what a devastating effect that the stroke had on my mental health, other than depression and anxiety, Bob pointed out that the stroke kicked my mojo in the nuts in a major way. I’ve thought that I was just missing my confidence, so I have tried to learn to run again (so-so results), I volunteered (fulfilling, but no confidence-builder), I switched work teams thinking that was the way to help. No go. Bob said that he sees flashes of my mojo coming back, so he has hope. Bless him! He (and NASA) have been so patient with me, I hope that I can deliver in enough time to reward both of them. When my mojo is in force, I humbly admit that I’m awesome! ­čÖé

I don’t know how to get it back. I will be talking about this with my therapist on Monday, that’s for sure.

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