Archive for September, 2012

White knuckling it.

I’m relieved to have not had any other suicidal issues. I’m the world’s worst depressed person though. My depression manifests itself in being snappish and feeling attacked and lonely and suicidal. The suicidal thing is when I’m at the worst end. I’ve mostly been snappish (mostly to Bob, lucky guy). I never realize when I’m doing it – I think that I’m using a normal tone, but Bob points out when it isn’t normal.

Anyway. I’m at 17 weeks! woo hoo!

I gave blood for the non-invasive genetic testing to see if there were any fetal abnormalities and the results showed that I’m a carrier for Meckel-Gruber Syndrome. Warning – DO NOT google images. It was a huge mistake on my behalf. M-G is a fatal disease in which the fetus dies in utero or shortly after birth. Both parents have to be carriers for the fetus to get it, so Bob gave blood to determine if he is a carrier. The risk is largely dependent on heritage (highest for Finnish) and even though we knew the likelihood was small, we (of course) talked about what would happen if Bob was a carrier and, of that, the 25% chance that Kermit (thanks to Jeanette for the nickname!) would get it. It was a really tough discussion.

Thankfully, Bob is not a carrier. So, there is a 50% chance that Kermit will just be a carrier – we’ll cross that bridge much later.

I think that pregnancy helps with the stroke – all of the hormones flooding my brain has, surprisingly, stabilized my mood, since I’m not on anti-depressants and I’m not *nearly* as bad as before I started anti-depressants.

However, stroke does not help with pregnancy

1. As I mentioned on here before, I have no sensation for hunger or satiety. The first response people usually give is “I wish!”. But they don’t realize that you have to eat at some point during the day and there is no satiety signal which means you have no idea when to stop eating. This was a large contributor to the 20 pounds I gained post stroke.

2. Similarly, I don’t get an early indication of needing to use the restroom. If sitting or standing, I get the ‘whoa! get thee to a bathroom stat!” notice, but nothing before that. I didn’t realize this was the case before I got in the family way since I thought it was just me being lazy or not paying attention or something. I’ve never had to get up in the middle of the night to pee (thank you for your sympathies) and now, I’m up at least 2x per night. The problem is that the bladder seems to communicate the need to my brain, but my brain does not pass on this info. So, I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep. I’ve learned it is because I need to visit the bathroom. I do that and I get to go back to sleep. It took longer than I would like to admit to learn that. 🙂

I am nervous and hesitantly excited about this pregnancy, but I’m not entirely thrilled with every thing that seems to come along with it. For instance, it is amazing how many people feel the urgent need to advise me what not to eat or drink or what activities I should avoid. That is the small stuff. Then comes the really weird need for people to want to grope me. So far, I’ve had 4 women who cannot help themselves from rubbing my stomach.

Here is the things I have against this:

1. I am not far enough along to warrant this. Right now, they are basically fondling my fat.

2. I object to the idea that once a person becomes pregnant, their body becomes public property for people to touch and advise upon. When I object, I am apparently just not excited enough. I know that I’m supposed to jut out my belly and be jolly about everyone and anyone putting their hands on my body, but I’m not and I won’t. I object. I have even groped some back and you wouldn’t believe the response. How dare I?! Yes, indeed. 2 people have actually said that they have the right to rub it. The right? Where does this entitlement come from? It is odd.

3. I have had enough people touch and do things to my body without my consent. I didn’t have a voice then. I do now. And I will use it. This is my body and I get to consent to who can or cannot touch it. One person was so kind as to ask. Unfortunately, I didn’t answer fast enough and the magnet of my belly and her hands was too great for her to hold back. Sometimes I may say no, mostly I just want the respect that everyone else in the world gets.

This past weekend was a lovely 3 day weekend in which we tried to finish setting up our newly renovated bathroom (it’s about 95% complete…that last 5% is taking FOREVER!). I noticed an uptick in PVCs (premature ventricular contraction of the heart) which is something that is difficult to describe, it is kind of ‘off’ and fluttery. I cough and it helps to reset it, but it concerns me and I already have a call in to my cardiologist to make sure everything is okay.

As expected, between the stroke, heart issues, and seizures, I am in the Super Duper High Risk category in my OB’s office. I expected as much. The plus side is that I get to either see Kermit or hear the heartbeat at every visit. It is so very reassuring.

Even though I’m in this category, I’m trying desperately to avoid special treatment because of it. I know from experience that the special treatment is addictive and the let down when it is gone is really very lonely.

I’ll end on a good note – I haven’t felt ‘movement’ per se but felt some fluttering! It was cool and very exciting. 🙂


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