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Archive for September, 2017

It’s been over a year since my life has changed dramatically. I discovered that while we were having trouble in our marriage, I also discovered that the main reason that my husband didn’t want to work on our marriage was that he found someone else who could give him what I wasn’t aware that I wasn’t providing. I don’t know how else to put it. I confronted him and the woman with her husband present. She deflected, my husband went sheet white, and her husband said “I knew it!”. From what I understand, and what I’ve been told, it was going on for months and the woman and her husband either already have, or are going to, divorce. My husband has filed for divorce. It’s not what I wanted. I wanted our family unit to remain intact. I wanted to work hard on what we need to work on. Our marriage certainly wasn’t perfect. I’ve never met anyone whose marriage was. However, when you have someone to comfort, console, and be your distraction, there isn’t much reason to work on a marriage.

I like to joke that I’ve lost 230 pounds – 180 of it was dead weight! 🙂 I’m healthier, not only physically, but mentally. I no longer have someone in my ear on a daily/hourly basis telling me what I can’t do from limitations of the stroke. In front of my son, he would say “mommy won’t be able to walk more than a few houses anyway” and, after hearing about my (rarely true) limitations, I believed them. I couldn’t walk more than a few houses. It’s awful to experience gas lighting and not have the mental capacity to fight it constantly. I just didn’t have the energy. I no longer had the self confidence. I gave up way too often. I have both family and friends who have witnessed this occur. It was embarrassing and humiliating. It simply wasn’t who I was as a person. In this way, I’ve gained so much mental strength. I have the strength to fight his attempt to take full custody of my son. My child. My boy. The absolute light of my life.

Brain damage has many impacts. I actually believed that I was a waste. That I was an awful person who had no capabilities whatsoever. I thought he was a saint to put up with me. Oh geez. I actually thought that. Ugh. I’m better now. I have a decent lawyer and I’m stronger. I’ve completed a 5k! I’ll be doing more in the future! This is exciting. I have so much to look forward to. Don’t get me wrong, life is a rollercoaster still, but I’m fighting my way through it now. I now know that I’m worth it.

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